It’s 8am on Saturday, December 31, 2016. It’s my favorite time of the day, favorite day of the week, and as I draw back the curtains from my windows to look out at the quietness of the morning, I think of how cliche it’ll be to write a “year in review” post. But, I’d rather write about that than last night’s terrible fiasco of mistakingly heating up a Pop Tart in my microwave for 3 minutes instead of 3 seconds, causing my smoke detectors to unleash piercing hell, and leaving my apartment to smell like a perpetual barbecue. Ugh, it still smells smoky after hours of airing it out.

2016 was quite a year for me. I remember on this night in 2015, I struggled to stay awake to ring in 2016. In recent years, my view of New Year’s Eve has been “eh, it’s just another day.” I don’t make plans to spend NYE with anyone because everyone seems to have their own plans anyway, and I’m not one to get dressed up and go out where all the crowds are. The last time I ever did anything “big” for NYE, it ended up in disappointment so, no.

I know there’s a heavy sentiment towards 2016 being a really effed up year. On a national and global scale, 2016 was ugly, for the most part. It was violent, shocking, disappointing, teeming with loss, and to put it simply, it was a sad year. But as we prepare for 2017, I really, really want to make positive thinking more automatic. It’s easy to become pessimistic after what 2016 brought us. If I look back month by month this year, I can identify my highs and lows…

In January, my siblings and I threw a 40th Ruby Anniversary party for my parents. It was nice to have as many relatives from both sides of the family gathering to honor my mom and dad, because they’ve done a lot for our relatives for years, even before they were married. And as stressful as event planning can be, it was fun to work on the details with my sister. We don’t get to see family as often as we’d like to anymore so, it was nice to have everyone together.

February, March, and April was when 2016 started to get topsy-turvy. In those 3 months, I took a risk and left a steady job to work from home for a digital magazine startup that never really got going. I wasn’t getting paid, instead focusing on the fact that the idea was “so good,” and that the profits were going to “provide so much cash flow you won’t know what to do with.” I’m not a big risk taker and it was so early in the year that I thought, why not step out of my comfort zone? It was difficult to stay disciplined and work with people that I’d never met in person, and even more difficult to block out what I thought my support circle was thinking about the “opportunity.” I just kept telling myself, I can’t expect exciting things to happen if I don’t try to make them happen, so I gave it a shot.

Around the same time, I applied the same mindset into a relationship that was…I don’t know…eye opening? It was a brief, whirlwind relationship that only lasted maybe a month and a half. In that short amount of time, I was blindsided by the effects of substance abuse; I learned about it in school for years, and I think subconsciously I didn’t want to believe any of the signs. In retrospect, there were red flags everywhere, it was a relationship I should have never gotten into. I don’t like thinking about or talking about this relationship, because there’s a part of me that still doesn’t forgive myself for how I navigated through it. “You should have never become involved, but since you did, you should have been more patient and compassionate,” is what I tell myself. On the other hand, it was another big risk I took, and I honestly did as much as I could for this guy. I understood why he felt the need to self-medicate. But I was angry that this person who I thought was strong and confident had put up a facade I fell for. According to those closest to me, I did more for him than I should have, more than anyone would have.  I took care of him, and felt responsible for everything that happened to him. But I had reached my breaking point, one that I didn’t know I had. I was drained from all the arguments, all the worrying, the fact that I felt I needed to support the both of us on zero income. It was uncharted territory for me and I wanted out. Fast. My trust in him was completely gone. I felt used, manipulated, and stupid. I had to come to the realization and finally the acceptance that this was not my battle to fight, it’s his. I moved on as quickly as I could, put everything behind me as quickly as I could, and focused on regrouping and getting my life back on track.

May, June, and July were humbling. I tried to put my energy into the magazine, but it wasn’t going anywhere, and I was getting increasingly disgruntled. For the first time in my life, I was let go from a job. I’m not sure if that counts as a job if it cost me (way) more money than it ever paid me (zero), but I was let go. At first I thought, how dare you fire me when I was the one who wanted to leave two months ago! I stayed because you asked me to stay! I did try to go, I was hell bent on cutting ties. When my relationship ended, I wanted all negativity to end, including the magazine, because it wasn’t giving me any kind of growth or fulfillment. I wasn’t getting any direction and I thought, what have I spent all this time on? Every month I was cutting a check for rent, washing my laundry in a bucket, buying the least amount of food only from The Dollar Tree, barely cooking so my energy bill would stay low, and worst of all, putting up a front towards my family as if everything was ok. They didn’t know about my relationship, they didn’t know this new “job” wasn’t paying me. Prior to being let go, I was so worried about how to generate an income that I got a part time job on the weekends. It helped a little, but even that part time job was stressful. But being let go from the magazine was ultimately the best for me, and for the magazine. It needed someone who could stick with it, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to anymore.

I remember thinking a lot: this summer sucks. My life had been shaken, the money I had earned and saved up for myself for YEARS was quickly depleting; I started to dip into my savings…my Babies were bottom dwellers in the league…yet somehow I was surviving. I mean it’s not like I was down to $5 and living in squalor, but I felt I was at the mercy of everything. I was on edge. I couldn’t relax because I didn’t know if my rent was going to be raised, I didn’t know if I had the will to keep my part-time job that was barely keeping my head above water, I didn’t know what was going to happen, how the year would end up. It was halfway through 2016 and I thought, it’s GOT to get better.

Now, I’m a religious person. My faith, like 2016, has also been topsy-turvy. In previous years there were times where I thought I would lose ALL faith I had in anything. But now I can’t imagine my life without it. I want my faith in God, and myself, to get stronger. As stressful as I was at that point, I had to hold on to the belief that God will never let me down. He hasn’t. He may have dragged me through the mud, but I believe it’s because I can be so stubborn that that is the only way He will get me to learn to trust Him.

Call it faith, call it survival mode, call it what you will. I was hopeful that the year would turn out better, and sure enough once I stopped worrying and just kept doing as little or as much as possible to get by without breaking the bank, I felt a little better and was able to think a little more clearly. I was at a crossroads because I knew I needed a job badly. But the thought of going through the agonizing process of job hunting, applying, waiting, interviewing, more waiting, and HOPING that a new job would not only help me make a living, but also give me the job fulfillment I’ve been searching for for years – was frustrating. I thought, “Why can’t I just make a living out of being me?”

I didn’t know what I was really good at, I didn’t know how to really market myself at a competitive level. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. After finally completing an event planning certification course I had started in 2013 and shelved, and after going to Boston and taking a day off from life, I felt like God was revealing more of my path to me.

August hit, and low and behold, this blog was born. I taught myself how to use the basics of WordPress, I sought out advice from other bloggers (namely Ms. Allison, a follower of someone I follow on Twitter, and who was gracious enough to share her journey to blogging with me, check out Allison’s blog!) and figured, let me work on this and maybe make something out of it.

This is not to say I put all my eggs in one basket. I knew if I was to create a blog solely for business purposes, it wouldn’t be a lucrative way to generate an income, at least not for my amount of experience working for myself. The day before I left to visit Boston, I found a job listing for a company that sounded like everything I had ever wanted in an employer: meaningful work, awesome people, a great need for my administrative skills. It sounded too good to be true, or that it was way out of my league, but with that shot of faith in my arm, I drafted a cover letter per their request and submitted my application. There was something about this job that gave me even more hope, namely the speed at which I wrote that cover letter. I HATE COVER LETTERS. I know they hardly ever get read and I always struggle with the content. But as I was writing this particular one, every thought just flowed effortlessly from my mind, through my arms and down to my fingertips, guiding them to type the most eloquent cover letter I’ve ever written in record time. What usually takes me hours to write only took maybe thirty minutes.

I didn’t think I’d hear back at all, but later on that day, I missed a call from this employer, saying they wanted to speak with me. I called back the next morning as I was leaving for the airport to Boston, letting them know I would call them back when I landed. Fast forward to landing in Boston, I did my phone screen there, a Skype interview when I returned home the next day, and in less than two weeks, did two rounds of interviews. With every round that I advanced, I became more excited, and more scared. I wanted this job so badly. Every person I met was genuine, smart, and welcoming. I wasn’t even home an hour from returning from the last round of interviews when I received a phone call and was happily offered the position.

I cried. I dropped to my knees and cried. I was overcome with so many emotions and everything that had happened so far in the year was replaying at rapid speed in my mind. I’m actually getting emotional right now just thinking about it. I started my new job towards the end of August, was able to quit my part-time job, and with this new full-time job I am finally happy, busy, and paid!

With the repairs to my income level well under way, I was able to treat myself a bit by returning to Atlanta in September to say farewell to Turner Field before the last Major League Baseball game was played there in early October. From September through October, November, and December, I became so busy at work and was tasked with a lot more than I expected for a newbie, but managed to successfully complete my responsibilities with flying colors. I had been worried that it would take me long to prove myself. When I come home exhausted from the day (thus why I don’t post as much as I originally intended), I know I’ve earned my paycheck well, and that’s an awesome feeling.

What wasn’t an awesome feeling was having some of my belongings from my garage stolen over Thanksgiving holiday while I was away. While I recognize that these are just material things, it was just another jolt in the year where I wanted to lash out at the world. The worst I could do, out of my anger, was to not put up any Christmas decorations whatsoever. I was that upset at whoever did the deed, and I have a feeling it was someone who frequently visits the sketchy apartment building next door to mine. Goal for 2017: move to a new place to live.

The unexpected, yet wonderfully surprising curveball in these last four months of the year was being told I had already accrued enough vacation time that I needed to use. And I needed a getaway. Like, GET. A. WAY. With that news I was able to visit Costa Rica, enabling me to continue practicing my solo travel skills and celebrate my latest birthday amongst arguably the happiest people in the world.

A couple of weeks after returning from Costa Rica and preparing for a little family gathering of my dad’s side for Christmas, perhaps the best cherry on top of all was reconnecting with a cousin and her kids who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years, and also meeting a long lost cousin. It felt like old times when we could get together and share laughter and memories and just catch up with each other. There are times when I feel like, ugh, I love my family but I don’t feel like being around them. In those times when I’m feeling anxious about seeing family, I find myself thankful God profusely for the family that I have, because I leave those gatherings thinking, aww, they’re the best.

Left photo cred: my brother, the human selfie stick; Right photo: gotta do the birth order lineup (missing 5 older cousins)

I mean, for real, God did not disappoint when six months ago I was hopeful for the year to turn around. I said it before and I’ll say it again: it has been quite the year. 2016 seems as if it took us around back by the dumpsters and beat the crap out of our hearts. And to be honest, this was a swift kick in the pants we might have needed. Had you ever been aware of how passionate you could be about the state of our country after all the civic unrest due to race relations, class relations, and/or political affiliations? Did you forget how short life can be after so many legends and icons passed away this year in what felt like a record number? What are we really doing to make the best out of life not only for ourselves, but for generations to come?

So, let’s try not to think of 2016 as the most hated year. If my experiences of 2016 are any indication, things can turn around when the future doesn’t look promising. Let’s look at 2016 as the year we didn’t cower to fear of the unknown; when we renewed our faith in hope and trusted that ultimately, things will be ok. We will be ok. You will be ok.

Wishing you peace, love, and happiness.

Happy New Year 🙂