I’ve been avoiding this for years. I like the clothes because they’re super comfortable, but I never allowed myself to entertain the idea of attending a class to practice yoga. I thought, there’s too many poses and I don’t see how this sheds any pounds, etc. And forgive me for saying so, but I was prejudiced in thinking that yoga was too girly, mainly because in the area that I was working in at the time that the thought of yoga ever entered my mind, all you saw were women donning their yoga attire. A few years later, got whacked in the face by two girls on BART carelessly slinging their yoga mats over their shoulders on a crowded train. And even more prejudiced, it seemed like a rich person’s form of exercise.

Now that I’m older (read: lazier), and since last year I think I pretty much developed plantar fasciitis by foolishly doing Zumba barefoot in my living room every weekday for a month, and sadly, heavier, I’ve been looking for more low-impact forms of exercise to get my fat ass back into shape. I know myself well enough to know that I am SUPER picky about exercise. Because I hate it. I think in one of my most recent posts, I said that I’m one of those people who does NOT feel endorphins rushing through my body after exercising. After a “good, sweaty workout,” what does Connie want to do? Just lay there and await the sweet relief of death. And while waiting, think of how I can avoid having to go through a horrendous workout ever again.

I’m aware of “no pain, no gain.” I’ll admit, there are very few times when I really do need something rigorous that pushes me hard. But right now, I need something I can stick with.

I just came home from attending my very first yoga class. Ever. I was nervous because I know there’s some kind of yoga community hovering around that speaks their own language and wears different clothing and knows how to breathe better than me. This is a whole other world I was jumping into, feet first. You ever walk past the yoga section of any store and wonder, WTF are these blocks for? What is this? I told myself to shut up about any hesitations and fears and just sign up for the next several Saturday classes at the yoga studio near my apartment. After perusing their website and contacting them for suggestions on what a newb like me should do, I arrived at the studio early this morning, per their “yoga etiquette.”

Before class started, the instructor asked the class if there were any injuries she should know about, or if anyone had never taken yoga before. A number of people raised their hands to let her know they were experiencing pain in their left shoulders (????????), then I raised my hand to tell her “I’ve never taken a yoga class before, this is my first one.” She did a little dance to celebrate me, congratulated me and said trying something new for the first time is really courageous. Feel welcome? Check. All my nerves melted away.

I can’t really recall all the names of the poses we went through, but as class was starting I thought, I need to write about this. Totally not what I should have been thinking, as the first part of class was spent meditating. So here are all the random thoughts I had throughout the entire class:

During meditation

Ooh I’m sitting up kinda straight right now. Look at me!

How the hell do people meditate? There are thoughts running through my mind all the time, I can’t turn it off. What was that song playing on the radio on the way here? Slow, slow hands…like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry…man those One Direction boys are growing on me…I like that song…

Is my breathing….did I even need to wear this sports bra, this is too tight…

My ass hurts. Should’ve gotten one of those blankets over there. Are they clean? Should I buy one?

My back hurts.

I am KILLING this meditation right now.

I feel lightheaded.

Breathing through nostrils

We have dominant nostrils? No wonder my right one is always full of stuff and my left one is clear. Learned something new today.

Ugh, this breathing through our snot and boogers all sounds like we’re about to do some unified snoring and if that’s the case, I can’t sleep with you guys in the room. Also, I don’t snore.

Oh crap I’m doing this cycle wrong. It’s not just breathe in through the left and out through the right, breathe back in through the right and out the left.

Please Lord do not let me accidentally blow my nose without a tissue in my hand right now.

Yoga stances/poses

What? I can’t see what she’s doing.

Soooo glad I moved to the back of the room. Only the wall can see my ass doing this.

Stop counting.

Oh, breathe!

GAWWWWD I NEED THAT BLANKET! MY KNEES! Maybe I’ll use that one I got from work that I never use for anything. I’ll have to hide the logo.

She’s going too fast. *slightly accelerates breathing to catch up*

Why am I not sweating?

This hurts.

Am I doing this right? Ok two more breaths in this pose. Hurry. I’m starting to get the shakes.

SLOW DOWN!

Ohhhhh, shaking like that means it’s too much for the body. Hello muscles, sorry I ignored you all those times I pushed myself to hold those dumb plank poses for so long because *sarcastic enthusiasm* no pain, no gain!

There goes my stupid headband slipping. Gotta learn to braid my hair.

Should I go to the store after this or go home to shower? I’m not even sweating but my hair is dirty. The game is at 1. Hmm.

Baaahahaha my balance is better than yours!! That’s mean. Let me not. I’m the new one. And I am grateful there has been no judgment here at all.

People’s feet are horrendous. Con, stop.

Uh, pretty sure we’re not supposed to roll our ankles that fast, ma’am. Also, I think we stopped doing that.

Someone is bound to fart right now.

Oh she has a dance background? Do I?

Great, I have tan lines on my wrists. Are those tan lines on my fingers?? From what?????

Savasana

Ohhhh this feels HELLLLLLLAA goooood….

I’m not thinking about you, work. I’m not thinking ’bout yooooooou – oh. Dang it!

I need a pillow for my head. Blood is rushing away too fast!

EXCUSE ME, THE YOGA ETIQUETTE PAGE OF THE STUDIO’S WEBSITE SAID TO SILENCE YOUR PHONES! And you’re the only one who brought an iPad in here. Ugh, this is just like at church.

Not yet, not yet, I like this. I can DO this!

What the hell must we all look like?

Is she gonna ring a chime bell or something like at the spa? I miss the spa.

Officially lightheaded.

 

That’s all I remember. I tried not laughing to myself because really, I couldn’t turn my mind off. Can’t expect myself to when I’m trying something new for the first time. But I hope to be better.

As I was preparing to leave I thought, I think I can do this. Maybe I’ll sign up for classes on other days. Also, do not buy a yoga bag, Con. You don’t need to buy more things.

I think I can become a regular. As I left the studio and headed to my car, the scent of fries from the nearby McDonald’s provided a warm congratulations.

Namaste.

 

 

 

*Note: I did not buy any McDonald’s.