This is not an official dissertation, there is no medical evidence behind this, no studies done, just purely what I’ve noticed in my life as a second daughter (or to reach a broader audience, a Same-Sex-Second-Sibling. Mouthful. I’m not about to say SSSS for short. Maybe.).

I am two years younger than my older sister, and as such we grew up dressed in the same clothes, participated in similar activities at school, developed similar facial expressions, behaviors, etc. I suppose it was natural for relatives, teachers, pretty much anyone who had heard of us or knew of us to get us mixed up. It didn’t help that both of our names begin with a C; although her name has a soft C, mine has a hard C. And let me put this in print: WE LOOK NOTHING ALIKE. There was and is no reason for anyone to get us mixed up at first glance. Although, I guess if people met us when we were younger – i.e. when she was taller than me – then didn’t see us again until after I turned 12 when I had my growth spurt and have been taller than her ever since, then they would probably think I was the older sister simply because I’m taller. Ok fine.

Me and my sister in 2004 and last week. NO WE DON’T.

My family is teeming with pairs of daughters. From both sides of my family, from my parents’ generation, to my own, and that of my nieces and nephews (Pause for disclaimer: in Filipino culture, your cousins’ kids are your nieces and nephews, not blahbiddy blah something cousin twice removed or whatever the hell. That’s too much work to decipher. Niece or nephew, done.). My mom has an older sister. I have an older sister. My cousin has four daughters so that’s two pairs in one family. Off the top of my head, I count sixteen pairs across both sides and all generations, even to extended/distant family. I think that’s a lot. As our family started to grow and more daughter pairs appeared, I couldn’t help but compare these sisterhoods to my own.

I assume that naturally, there is always the older sister setting the example for the younger sister to follow. That definitely happened between my sister and me. I wouldn’t say I idolized her but out of everyone in our immediate family, I identified with her the most because of our ages, we’re both girls, and I just basically knew no different. She was my playmate during the first few years of our lives then all of a sudden she started going to school. I observed what was new in her life because I couldn’t quite be a part of it yet. We both had our older brother as an example but I didn’t pay much attention to him because he’s five years older than me. And he’s a boy.

I’m not sure if my sister was ever fully conscious of the fact that she had to set a good example for me all the time. My parents made her take me with her to her friends’ birthday parties, some of whom had younger siblings too, roughly the same age as me. I’m sure she couldn’t quite let loose 100%, because she had to keep an eye on me. Me? I didn’t care, I was trying to have my own fun. There was something intriguing about having your own s*** to do while everyone else was focused on “the big girls’ party.”

But in looking back at those early days, I think those instances are when the path of the older sister starts to break away from that of the younger sister. To this day, between the two of us, my sister is the over-achiever. She is more proper/well-mannered (burp!), and more responsible. I can’t ever remember a time where my sister messed up. Because I was the younger one and didn’t have anyone else to look after, I ended up being more carefree. I was (and maybe still am) more scrappy and spunky. I was definitely more of a tomboy, at certain times wanting to play more with my older brother and his friends. Ooh, I was/am SASSY (it’s just a fun word to say – don’t you sass me about it either), more of a wisecracker, and because I didn’t have anyone to play with when my brother and sister were at school, I tended to be more imaginative and creative. None of this means that I don’t have manners, that I’m not responsible, or that my sister isn’t creative or sassy. I just feel like we lean on opposing sides of the sister spectrum, if there is one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also got chastised more by my parents than my sister ever did. I guess you could say I was more rebellious. When I think of these differences between my sister and me, I look at the sisterhoods in my family and I notice those differences occur between them as well. Regardless of age difference and generation, I found these older-younger characteristics to be pretty common. When I noticed the differences and dynamics between sisters not related to me, I became even more curious………but not enough to do legit research, just enough to write a blog post. (What? It’s my blog, get your own.)

So all that being said, what is my point? Thanks for sticking with me. My point is, as great as sisterhood can be, and with the understanding that it’s natural to get sisters confused, it’s natural to have expectations – it’s kind of annoying.

The reason why I mentioned that there are so many pairs of sisters in my family is because I started to think of all the times that people wouldn’t call me by my own name, and wondered if the younger sister in these pairs experienced the same as me. How many times have I been referred to as, “Cindy’s sister” even though my name had already been established for context? How many of these other sisters have to live in that shadow? Actually, there’s always a shadow, I guess it’s how well do they live in it? Do they step out of it?  Among the others things said to me:

• “You’re not as _____ as your sister.”
• “This never happened to your sister.”
• “You don’t want to _______ like your sister?”
• “It’s nice that your sister does _____. Are you going to do that too?”
• “I don’t understand, your sister was never like this.”
• “Why can’t you be more _____ like your sister?”
• “Hi – where’s your sister?”

All of these have been said to me by either a parent, uncle, aunt, or teacher as I was growing up. Well dang, what’s the point of even having my own goals and aspirations, my own mind, my own life, if they expected me to be just like her? In retrospect, the sass in me wanted to respond to each like so:

• “You’re not as _____ as your sister.”
  • So?
• “This never happened to your sister.”
  • Neat.
• “You don’t want to _______ like your sister?”
  • Nope.
• “It’s nice that your sister does _____. Are you going to do that too?”
  • No.
• “I don’t understand, your sister was never like this.”
  • Maybe you’re dumb.
• “Why can’t you be more _____ like your sister?”
  • Maybe because I’m not her.
• “Hi – where’s your sister?”
  • Do you even know my name?

I’m not kidding, this happened often. I became more conscious and more sensitive to it as I got older. I even wrote my personal statement about stepping out of my sister’s shadow on my college applications. It’s annoying as hell. Imagine growing up behind an overachiever, and knowing that you have similarities and differences that you both celebrate with each other, but other people think that just because you’re the younger one, you’re going to be exactly like her, and f*** whatever you want to do for yourself.

I get defensive when I hear my relatives ask those similar questions to my second daughter nieces. I immediately tell them to blaze their own trail, do what they want. Don’t do something because your sister is doing it; do it because you like it and YOU want to do it.

When you’re the younger one, you get a preview of what’s to come in life. There’s this pressure to avoid any mistakes made before you, and pressure to repeat the achievements that set the example for you; pressure to keep the streak alive. And in the process of managing that pressure, you run the risk of never finding out who the genuine “you” is. That’s what I call Second Daughter Syndrome.

Don’t get me wrong, it has its benefits. I learned a lot of great stuff from my sister. I attribute a lot of who I am today to her and there’s not too many people in this world I can be bigger goofballs with than her. But when I wanted to be different from her and saw that it made parents/relatives/teachers/anyone confused, it really made me question if the person I was becoming was good enough.

I’m lucky that I recognized this at a young age, and eventually was able to snap out of any thought process that made me view myself negatively, made me think I had to be and do just like my sister in order to feel valued. I hope that I can guide my nieces – or anyone for that matter – away from any unhealthy comparisons that people may lead them to, simply because those people think, “Cute, she’s going to be just like her sister.”

Just do us all in the Second Daughters Club a favor and remember we’re our own persons too.